Our Christmas Letter 2005
l The Harkers Herald l
Dear Friends and Family,
Sorry to be impersonal, but we hope youll forgive a short Christmas letter from our humble family.
Whew! 2005 has been a banner year for the Harker family - what with our house burning down on the Fourth of July (that darn Bill Jr. and his chemistry experiment! He jokes about the "meth" he is making downstairs. Hes never been very tidy!), my innocent little 14-year old daughter delivering her first baby, and Bill Sr.s work success down at the slaughterhouse. In fact - lets peak in on my "Big Bear" and see what hes been up to since last years newsletter.
Bill Sr.
When hes not clubbing, bloodletting and filleting down at the abattoir (thats French, by the way - Ive been taking a class at the J.C. on Fridays) my sweetheart has been spending time helping troubled girls at the local Gentlemens Club The Tan Fanny. Bless his heart, hes had to spend so much time there getting to know each girl personally so that he can help them "see the light" and find a better life. Im so proud of him. Oh - my golly - I almost forgot his most important achievement. He recently had his number retired down to the "Up My Alley" Bowling Alley and Proctology Clinic in our town. Seeing his chili-cheese stained bowling shirt and balls hanging from the rafters always gives me a lump in my throat.
Larlene
Our teenage daughter Larlene has made us proud grandparents again. Even though shes just in her second year in 9th grade, Im sure shell make a great mommy. All the boys tell her how mature she is for her age. And - she wont need to find a job, as Mr. Hobbenecker, her favorite math teacher, is paying her plenty to pose for his teenage fashion website. (But only after she does her homework!) Coincidentally, her sweet baby boy Delmont has the same bright orange hair as Mr. Hobbenecker. Oh my golly, whats the chances of that!
Bill Jr.
Our sweet Bill continues to amaze us with his scientific talents. Not only was he able to get us free cable television for every room of the house, but he also surprised us with a brand new car that he can start without a key! That little smartie pants! I cant believe how much money he makes with his chemistry experiments in the basement. He tells me not to touch his mess downstairs (or "meth" as he calls it) but I think Ill surprise him and get it all in "apple pie order" before he wakes up at noon today.
Erlene
Its always a little awkward talking about myself, but here goes. My oh my - what a year! I was recently asked to continue as secretary of the Lowell Womens Aid and Float Beautification Society. Weve already begun this years parade entry. Its going to be an "homage" (theres another of those darn French words) to the town founder Lowell Lowell. Its been a challenge to craft a 150-foot tall statue out of nothing but corn husks and dry apple cores (which are the official float guidlines) and perch it atop Luther Petersons John Deere tractor. But the top prize of a years worth of rinse and sets from LaVoys Salon makes it worth the effort.
I cant believe how lucky I am to have been blessed with so much and hope that this letter hasnt come across as too boastful. My good golly - were just like everyone else - trying to make it through another day.
Merry Christmas - The Harkers.
(Those that know me have heard my rants about the infamous "Christmas Newsletters" that have been arriving daily in my mailbox will appreciate the inspiration behind this.)